Here's an excerpt from Chapter2: 5 TOOLS to Start Improving Your Life Right Now!

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CHAPTER 2:            5 TOOLS to Start Improving Your Life Right Now!

Remember I said that you don't need a cooperative partner to have a good divorce solution?  And, you thought I was crazy.  Turns out, it's true.  In fact, you don't even need a cooperative partner to start improving your life right now.  Yes, right now.  Right in the middle of all of the chaos.  Without your spouse changing one thing.  Without spending any money.  You can improve your life.

And, you don't have to be a rocket scientist or psychology physicist to do it! 

These five tools will get you on your way to improving your life right now, right where you are, regardless of your circumstances.

And, like anything else, the more often you use these 5 tools, the better your chances are that you will have a successful divorce solution and a beautiful post-divorce future.  I recommend that you use these tools MANY TIMES during each day.

Why doesn't anyone talk about these tools?  Because everyone is focused on the 2 Big Lies that we learned about in Chapter 1.  But, just like the truths that you learned about in Chapter 1, it takes some energy to use these tools and dramatically improve your life.   Fear not.  Using these tools is like working out.  When you first start, you'll have sore muscles because you never really used those muscles very much before.  It gets much easier once those muscles get acclimated to being used, which happens pretty quickly if you're exercising every day.  Same here - use these tools every day, and in a short period of time, it'll be easy and will add to your energy.

TOOL #1:      Get Inspirational "Expert" Help

To help you stay inspired and focused, get help from the variety of media (DVD, CD, iPod, books, Kindle, internet) that we, as blessed 21st century people, have.  But, be specific.  Immersing yourself in the following 3 topics will increase your ability to create a great divorce settlement and a wonderful post-divorce life:

• Great Humor
• Great Self-Help/Motivation/Spirituality Resources
• Great Sports Triumphs

Read, listen and watch these at every possible moment.  When you are waiting for an elevator, replay in your mind the fall-off-the-couch comedy movie you watch the night before, or the motivational CD that you listed to in the car on the way to work.

Notice the absence of romance.  Yes, I could not live without my copy of Casablanca, but it still doesn't make the list.  Why?  Because watching Casablanca (and its ilk) during the divorce process keeps me in the trauma of the divorce and does not move me toward recovering from the divorce.

Before you object to getting these resources because you don't want to spend the money, let me remind you about these things called libraries that you have built with your tax dollars.  Using the library will ensure that you have new materials every few weeks.  Or, borrow them from friends.  Or, buy them at steep discounts on eBay or Craig's List.  (As of the time of this writing, one of the all-time great inspirational movies of overcoming steep odds - "Rocky" - was selling for $0.99 on eBay.)  Or, get them for free from FreeCycle.org.  Or, watch them for free on YouTube.com or Netflix "instant queue."  Or, watch and listen to them for free on non-profit or spiritual websites and download their pod-casts. 

What's the point here?  Remember to watch and listen to these 3 types of resources (humor, self-help/motivation/spirituality, sports triumphs) ESPECIALLY when your energy and hopes are low.  Of course, these things are great to listen to when you're content and relaxed.  But, successful people of all walks of like (from athletes to entrepreneurs) - including divorcing people who want to create a wonderful post-divorce life for themselves and their children - choose to:

• Recognize when their energy and confidence is low, and
• Take action to improve it, BEFORE their condition becomes detrimental to achieving their goals

Want a list of movies, books and other ideas to get you started?  Well, we've got a list already started for you - in APPENDIX 1.  And, the great thing about eBooks is that it's already linked to the web, so you can just click and go!

Remember, the average-stress-filled life requires rejuvenating your humor, spirit and motivation on a daily basis.  But, YOU, as a person going through the divorce transition, need it much more frequently!  Be sure to schedule these items into your morning and evening routines.  You could replay a great scene from a movie, listen for 5 minutes to a CD, or read a few pages of a book. 

Think of it this way:  When athletes pump iron every day, they increase their biceps.  When you pump your laughter, spirit and mind every day, you increase your stress-stamina.

This is a required practice and activity.  Will you be perfect at it?  No.  Will you be able to fit lots of it into your daily life immediately?  Probably not.  But, you can start where you're at.  I love Teddy Roosevelt's quote:  "Do what you can, Where you're at, With what you have."  That's the key to this.  Then build on it from there.

How "Inspirational Expert Help" Improves Your Divorce World

If you could sit with me in court, arm-wrestling (a.k.a. "negotiating") with opposing counsel and dealing with judges and litigation issues, the day after my client has watched an inspiring or funny movie, then you would be able to understand, in your gut, just how much of an impact getting "inspirational expert help" can be to the divorce process.

So, let me try to paint a picture for you:

Picture A - my client is a stress bunny who hasn't smiled, never mind chuckled, never mind laughed, in a year
We're in court for what's called a Matrimonial Early Settlement Panel, which is basically when 2 other experienced attorneys from the area volunteer their time to give you their unbiased opinion of what they think the trial result will be, and what they think a good settlement would be.

First, you have to realize that nothing is on a time schedule at court.  Everyone is "scheduled" for 9 a.m. or 1:30 p.m. (it might be different in your state).  So, there's a lot of sitting around.  When most divorcing people sit around, they get more and more anxious, and talk about every "what if" possible.  Also, they get really focused on what they don't like about their spouse and the process.

As a stress bunny, my client's response to everything that we discussed is basically, "Why do they get to get off easy with that and I'm stuck with all the junk?"  Or, "So, I have no choice but to get the short end of the stick."  Or, "This is so unfair. I just don't understand why this is how it is."  Or, "They are such a jerk.  I can't believe they want that and are saying that about me."  Or, "That's impossible.  There's no way I could do that even if I wanted to give them that."

Hours and hours get sucked up by this language.  That means that my client throws hundreds and thousands of dollars down the drain by using this language.  I bring up an issue, and some options.  My client responds with this unproductive language.  I then must shift my mind away from my job of strategizing the litigation and negotiations, to spending lots of time and energy getting my client to shift their focus from this language, their emotions, and back to the issue and the choices at hand.  Thousands of dollars disappear for no good reason.  My client doesn't even realize it's happening. 

Picture B - my client is calm, centered and focused, having watched an inspirational movie, say "Miracle," the night before, and having laughed hysterically at a funny old Johnny Carson clip on YouTube that morning
We're in court for the same thing.  And, we're sitting around either waiting to get in front of the panel, or waiting to see the judge after the panel, or waiting for opposing counsel's response to our latest settlement offer.

As a calm, centered, focused person, my client's response to everything we discuss is basically, "Well, what do you think?  What do you think the judge would award at a trial and how much will it take us to get to that point?"  Or, "No, I won't accept their settlement offer because what we could get at trial is worth much more than the risk and expense of going to trial."  Or, "Well, we're getting closer, what other suggestions do you have for getting us to an acceptable point."  Or, "Okay, what's the next step and what's the best way to do it?"

These conversations take anywhere between 10% to 25% of the time (and therefore, money) of the stress-bunny conversations.  And, they are tremendously more effective.  And, they solidify your relationship with your attorney so that your attorney enjoys advocating for you, which makes them a better advocate.

The difference between dealing with these 2 clients is like night and day.  You could almost make this a literal comparison.  Put a blindfold on.  Walk from your bedroom to your kitchen and make a peanut butter sandwich, get a glass of milk, and clean up the mess.  How long does it take you and how effective are you and how much do you enjoy the journey?  Now do it without the blindfold.  Ask yourself the same questions.  Compare the answers. 

In the first exercise, your blindfold does the same thing to you that your stress will do to you in the stress-bunny picture.  In the second exercise, your sight does the same thing to you that your calm, centered, focused disposition will do to you in the second, productive picture.

If you want a good divorce transition and a wonderful post-divorce life, you need to expose yourself to humor and inspiration on a daily basis.  When you do this, you get calm, centered and focused.  Those are the characteristics of a successful divorcing person.

TOOL #2:      Live without the word "NOT"

One thing you can do right now, without reading any further, is to eliminate the word "not" from your vocabulary.  This is a simple, but not easy, task.  Attempt it for just one hour and notice how often you say the word "not."  You will also realize how difficult it is to try to rephrase your statements without that word, tat is, to rephrase you statements in a positive way.

Living without the word "not" is especially crucial to divorcing people because life has become all about "not" in the marriage.  Someone's not smart, not attractive, not financially savvy, not responsible, not mature, not sensitive, not organized, not listening, not sexual, not flexible, not not not.

This is an indication of how engrained our society is in stating what we do NOT want.  Why?  Because someone light years ago decided that it was easier to control and conform others (especially children) by ordering them not to touch, talk, or move.  We heard the sentence structure of "not" so much that it became our habit.  Then all communication became about what we did not want to do and what we did not want to have.

Think about it:

We tell our children:  "Don't splash the water out of the tub."
We tell our friend:  "I don't want to be late to the movies."
We tell our spouse:  "I don't want us to run up our credit card debt."
We tell our colleagues:  "I don't want this meeting to take all day."
We tell our divorce attorneys:  "I don't want to take advantage of my spouse in the divorce," or, "I don't want to be taken advantage of in my divorce."

The problem is that our brains are actually wired to ignore the word "not."  Our brains register every other word in the sentence except "not," thus ensuring that as long as we choose to use the word "not," we will get exactly the opposite of what we desire.  Your children's brains hear, "Splash the water out of the tub."  Our friend hears, "I want to be late."

I addition to our habitual "not" language being contrary to achieving our goals, it sends a message of action based on fear, shame or threat.  In essence, it breeds an environment of anxiety.  Feel your pulse race up hen you say the four above statements.  Someone (even if it is ourselves) is telling us NOT to do something.  Oh boy, you better stop it or else you're gonna be in troooouuublllllle!

How would you re-word these statements?  Do you find it challenging to come up with new language?

What do you WANT your children to do?  [I know, not to splash.]  If you do not want your children to splash water out of the tub, what do you want them to do?  Splash water in the tub?  Keep the water in the tub?  Bingo!

"Kids, don't push each other.  It's not nice."  Okay, what do you WANT your children to do?  "Leave each other alone" is a good start.   But, with kids, this is a poor option because that statement is way too general for them.  "Keep your hands to yourselves."  Or, "Play a different game."  Or, "Keep your hands off."  Bingo! 

Note that the word "STOP" is similar to the word "NOT."  "Stop pushing" really fails to instruct children what you DO want them to do.  "Stop yelling" is a poor choice compared to, "Please talk calmly."

Now you can begin to see how the rest will flow:

"I want to be on time to the movies."
"I want to keep our credit card balance low."  Or, even better, "I want to keep our credit card balance at less than 50% of our credit limit."  [Specific is better.]
"I want this meeting to be over in 30 minutes."

And, in the divorce world:

"I want a reasonable settlement."

The Word "NOT" In Divorce World

The word "NOT" causes almost as much wasteful spending of money, energy and time in the divorce process as the lack of humor and inspiration discussed in Tool #1 above.

When I sit on the Matrimonial Early Settlement Panel, I can see a "NOT" person coming a mile away.  They are so focused on what they do NOT want to have happen, that they have no clue what they actually want.  Sure, their attorney has stated a position about what they want, but it is usually so extreme that it is meaningless.  And, it lacks substance and determination because the person's heart really isn't in getting those things - it is really in making sure that the other person doesn't get what they want.  So, their position is really empty "air."  It's much harder to sell air than to sell substance.

Let me give you one example:  There had obviously been an affair which caused understandable significant anger in the other spouse.  [As of this writing, in NJ, the cause of the divorce, e.g. an affair, is not a factor in awarding alimony or equitable distribution.]  The person who had the affair was the "breadwinner," who was also looking at a substantial and long-term alimony obligation.  That person offered to pay for everything for years and years.  That person offered a scenario where the other spouse would have to pay for almost nothing for over a decade, even though the kids were teenagers and were all in private schools and would all be going to expensive colleges.  That person offered to waive their half of the assets for a decade.  In short, that person offered their spouse tremendously more than the judge would have given their spouse.  The hurt angry spouse's reaction was essentially, "NO, NO, NO!"  They were focused on the feeling that they did NOT want anything that their spouse had to offer because they were angry and hurt.  How did they legitimize their position?  They said that they would be more willing to risk going to trial, and risk getting less money, and risk having more financial responsibility, so that they could supposedly have the possibility of choosing whether or not to save for the kids' college.  But, in reality, their decision to reject the overwhelmingly generous settlement offer was due to their intense unwavering focus on what they did NOT want.

When I have a "NOT" client, I work with them.  Sometimes it takes endless hours to get an answer to, "What do you want?"  Sometimes we have to go through the exercise for each issue.  Sometimes we do it over and over again with each variation of each issue.  Sometimes we go through the "Yes, I know you don't want your spouse to do ____, but what do you want?" dance about every event that comes up during the divorce process, every time we talk. 

My clients get the hang of it - some sooner than others, but they get the hang of it.  The clients who "GET" this - the letting go of "NOT" - save a HUGE amount of money on attorney fees.  They also get a lot more sleep and have a happier life.  And, they also get want they want a heck of lot more often and sooner than the others.

Be diligent about this.  Be almost religious about this Tool #2 in your own speech.  You will be able to get to the point faster.  You will be able to see what you want actually manifest in your life a lot faster.  You will begin to feel better.  You will begin to be able to smile more.  It is difficult to smile and say the word "not" a lot.  And, in a divorce, every smile counts.  In fact, a plethora of smiles is optimum.

But, be forewarned:  You may also begin to notice how ineffective others are in their "not" language.  Remember, you need your energies for your life challenge right now, so you can pass-up the opportunity to lecture others on this issue, at least until later.

Copyright © 2009 Theresa A. Markham, Esq.  All Rights Reserved.

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Here's an excerpt of 7 items from Chapter 13: 101 Ways to Save Attorney Fees:

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• Save your emails to your attorney as a "DRAFT" first, then sleep on it, then remove the rambling out of your emails before you send it.
• Have the point of your email be (a) just an update, no response necessary; (b) a specific question, or (c) a directive.
• Collect several items to email/discuss with your attorney all at one time.
• Leave the whole "But why?" thing out of your conversations with your attorney.
• Be aware of how your emotions bubble up in your conversations with your attorney into apparently "logical" questions, which are really comments about the fact that you think the system is unfair, your future-ex is a jerk, etc.
• Do all of the math calculations on your financial form for your attorney, or have a friend or relative do it for you.
• For that matter, get a friend/relative to bribe you with a stiff drink or fancy dinner to encourage you to finish your financial statement a.s.a.p.  Along those lines, get them to agree to sit and do it with you.

Copyright © 2009 Theresa A. Markham, Esq.  All Rights Reserved.

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